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[06 Jul 2004|09:40pm]
there is to me about this place a smell of rot,
the smell of rot that ripe fruit makes.
nowhere, ever, have the hideous mechanics of birth and copulation
and death been so brutal or been painted up to look so pretty;
have so many people put so much faith in lies and mutability
and death death death.

i'm reading beaudelaire's "les paradis artificiels" at the moment.
in french, indeed. too bad i'm anything but fluent in french.
but i get the gist of it.
en ik zou blij moeten zijn, maar ik ben het niet. het enige dat ik doe is
me meer zorgen maken en meer roken, en met mijn vrienden gaat het ook
allemaal niet goed. daar zit ik dan, 700 kilometer van hen vandaan...
2 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

[13 Jun 2004|10:32am]
[ mood | talking to a brick wall. ]

last night i figured this would be my ultimate cd: .001. elliot goldenthal - libera me. .002. guns n' roses - november rain. .003. circle takes the square - interview at the ruins. .004. sigur ros - ( ) 4. .005. muse - showbiz. .006. smashing pumpkins - pug. .007. primal scream - miss lucifer. .008. the dandy warhols - mohammed. .009. the velvet underground - venus in furs. .010. electric light orchestra - standing in the rain. .011. turin brakes - long distance. .012. the jon spencer blues explosion - bellbottoms. .013. godspeed! you black emperor - lift your skinny fists like antennae... .014. the cooper temple clause - written apology. do with it what you will. pass it on to others, learn from it what you can ;) POST SCRIPTUM: indeed i've been in france for almost three weeks now working my arse off (lost 2 kg), getting along fine, just bruised my knee, done some writing, really looking forward to buitenkunst, teaching jenny how to play guitar; french algerians are scary if they try to hit on you... and indeed i'm not politically correct.

2 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

stretch marks. [05 Jun 2004|08:23pm]
place: countryside of chateauroux, france.
day: june 6, 2004.
time: 18:34.
weather: sunny, 16 degrees c.
music: placebo_protect me from what i want.

(( I'm fat I said, I'm merely fate's pet
Despair spends nowhere with me
I'm counting the failures in apathy
And so we lay in the nothing sun: no feelings, no regret
Pleasure forever, platonic love
Of highs we'd reach and lows we'd fight
To live the extremes of left and right
Of fucking all the stars above
But the kiss lasts a moment the spirit's a spark
That smothers, contrived, with the last drops of wine
The passouts, the blackouts; a waste of time
A disease of the mind and our tall days are dark

So why are you still so upset
When I smoke your last cigarette? ))
2 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

threnody for the famous addled mindsets. [21 May 2004|11:57am]
((Last time I saw you, you were on stage
Your hair was wild, your eyes were red
And you were in a rage
You were swinging your guitar around.
Cause they wanted to hear that sound
But you didn’t want to play.
And I don’t blame you.

Been around the world, in many situations
Been inside many heads in different positions
But you never wanted them that way.
What a cruel price you thought that you had to pay.
them back, for all that shit on stage.

But it never made sense to them anyway,
Could you imagine if when they turned their backs
They were only scratching their heads.
Cause you simply deserve the best.
And I don’t blame you

They said you were the best,
But then they were only kids
Then you would recall the deadly houses you grew up in
Just because they knew your name,
Doesn’t mean they know from where you came
What a sad trick you thought that you had to play.
But I don’t blame you

They never owned it
And you never owed it to them anyway.

I don’t blame you.))
4 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

phwoaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! [14 May 2004|01:41pm]
[ mood | bouncy. ]

i don't like bands that play with so much backing track it's hardly separable from what they are actually playing. i don't like bands that have no contact with the audience whatsoever. i don't like bands that disillusion me =(

shame on you, blonde redhead.

(blonde redhead, 13 may 2004, paradiso amsterdam)

take this green carnation, please.

just to get my mind off exam week deadlines...-found this on someone's site. [10 May 2004|10:01pm]
[ mood | productive ]

a very long and winding questionnaire about yours trulyCollapse )

i am a fallen zero/below the glaciers of the evil/i am a golden superhero.
2 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

[30 Apr 2004|05:02pm]

velvet goldmine fucking ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!! HRI@GRJBNNBBVDQLHGVFBNSHGGHSJKLQMNBAYEAH !!!!!!!

and, ladies and gentlemen, i am proud to announce my hair is now officially radiant and orangy...

6 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

[28 Apr 2004|02:56pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?

[Another Quiz by Kris
@ couplandesque.net]

...and everyone was happy. or were they?
take this green carnation, please.

[26 Apr 2004|10:35pm]
chrissakes. just dyed my hair. wanted to have it light blond. guess...

nothing much significant happened. well maybe it's just me. maybe it'll be visible tomorrow, by daylight.

or, maybe, my hair is light blond in itself already and i need my-god-you're-raditaing-hell-of-a-blond.

take this green carnation, please.

MUSE. [22 Apr 2004|01:34am]
[ mood | too awake to sleep at 1:42 AM. ]

on behalf of study-avoiding behaviour i have consecrated my entire evening to reading slashy fanfiction on, you guess it, LJ.
scanning some random interest community sites i found one all devoted to my 15-year-old mind's obsession with muse in the time 'origin of symmetry' had just been released, everyone was thinking i was freaky and weird listening to 'odd' music like that (and see where this band is today) and i chose my boyfriends on the criterium of looking awfully much like matthew bellamy. strange how as i read the teenage obsession came back full force, ultimately directing me toward a download of their much personally despised album 'absolution' and slapping my thigh in frustration whenever a fic wasn't finished yet. i even basked in reading all the badly written ones, knowing beforehand that each and every one eventually ends up with matt and dominic sharing a bed anyway. (note: they do look suspectively cosy together in this picture, though dom's t-shirt tells otherwise) 
tomorrow i guess i'll be off wearing my old muse band t-shirt for old time's sakes. oh well...=)


take this green carnation, please.

[20 Apr 2004|04:51pm]
[ mood | busy ]

been to the hairdresser yesterday. god. practically turned this girl into a boy, though everyone around me denies it. guess the latter is caused by a fear of getting hit by me. in fact i dislike my hair so much, it been so fucked up it doesn't even deserve to go under the name of 'fuckhair'. it's really messy and spiky but not in a cool sort of way and quite short for my standards, the longest strands just over the shoulders and the shortest about half of that. with my eyeliner, headphones and hippie scarf i look like a nancy boy or a lesbian. meugh. so much for the complaining today. YEAH.

am reading this great book by a.s. byatt called possession for my great literary works class. if you haven't read it you should as soon as possible. it makes me so happy. i'd just sit outside in the spring sun on campus or lie down in the grass turning pages on the greatest things =)

(oh and i went out with this 32-year-old anthropologist who shows just a little too much interest in me. not important, i'll fence him off with my new bulldyke look. see brackets.)

"...the dark sunglasses, the high heels and the ties, my prince of liquid eyes, everything in its right place..."


4 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

[16 Apr 2004|07:41pm]
just. plain. overall. dissatisfaction.
why am i writing this anyway?
2 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

cherry fresh and kicking. [13 Apr 2004|11:03pm]

calling, calling! new layout with jonathan rhys myers and the customised taglines i so yearned for!

it just looks too much like wendy's!!!!!! i used your frame thus am to blame                                          for any alleged plagiarism. fraud. papervixen jobs. i'll just wave my newbie card again and promise i'll fix it within days ;)

LJ - difficult even for majority-aged girls.

2 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

[13 Apr 2004|05:06pm]

 was thinking yesterday of how i would name my children if i had one/some (which is most probably not going to happen in the near future, but anyway). I love:

for a boy: Dorian Lux.

for a girl: Mariken Ava or vice versa.

=)  which names would you choose?

take this green carnation, please.

[08 Apr 2004|11:46pm]
[ mood | weary ]

so here goes. my well-thought out, very first official poem about aestheticism. art for art's sake. beauty. with a bit of a wink to oscar wilde <3.


These were the years, these are the themes.

Look, I think too much and I know too little.

When I was three feet tall, bellowing through rose bud mouth,

watching the first creases of smile on my lily-white cheeks.


Already did I take my aesthete’s taste to pure things.

Signed my pact in pictures, overindulged in youth.

Bright city, dark lights, so many panes, in every room.

Even the glossy curls, behind the ears, trembling to be seen.


Cross-dressed boys, blowing sultry rings of smoke

Around their eyes and between black nails

against their own reflection. Diffuse in noisy toilets. Gutter glitters beside me.

The ashtray hearts outside pinned against the wall.


How naïve we are, and how shallow. Look, description! Most pleasing to the eye.

Alas, Dorian Gray lay limp on the ground in his evening dress, tattered and worn

And burning winter approaches under the draughts of every home, in every room.

Death on the stairs, death in Venice, death on two legs, death –




Teach us how to cheat.

Join the masquerade.

Remember how beautiful you are.


5 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

so happy... [08 Apr 2004|03:19pm]

pff. close one. see, i've been away for a week or so because all of a sudden my internet refused to connect its IP-address. A week later, omniscient about network connections and such in which my hard disc has been removed entirely (send me pictures please! my pc is so empty! ;)) it coughingly spit its way back into life about an hour ago. i'm still stunned.

and finally!!! i've seen vive la fete live this weekend with dennis jenny joni and wendy and they were GREAT. the singer's so stylish, and the guitarist is looking up at her in adoration all the time. they were quite rough, louder than on their records but it was so vibratingly amazing everyone was freaking to the music. had a friggin good time! please go see!

(any suggestions for easter?)

take this green carnation, please.

[28 Mar 2004|10:03pm]

q: define death.

matthew bellamy: 'total realisation of what your life was.'


3 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

tea and beauties. [28 Mar 2004|09:08pm]

i am so glad to say i'm back to normal and everything is fine again. had a major cathartic nerve meltdown some days ago lasting up until yesterday, and i still have no idea why. its origin may be explained by the whole auschwitz experience and a sudden resulting need for dramatic holocaust- and suicide movies. my brain can take much but obviously this was too much. for four days i despaired, and cursed this world, and overindulged myself in chocolate, cigs, tears and sleep.

today, i saw all my six cousins and they made me happy. the sunshine was warm and golden brown for the first time this year and made me smile, causing me to throw aside the awfully boring read 'mrs dalloway' and concentrate on my oscar wilde biography, pages crisping freshly, which made me laugh. listened to halo with my new headphones and so actually discovered they have a bass player, too. was reminded of the upcoming vive la fête concert the coming weekend and got all excited. had the sweetest of conversations with my best male friend and was hugged for fifteen minutes. travelled to utrecht by train a got a remark from an old man that i possessed great beauty. started tapping my fingers again and humming along with music that actually sounded happy.

seems i've gotten out of my post-war depression and resuscitated from my sleep by upcoming spring. may all of you have a great time!



take this green carnation, please.

the spark that bled. [21 Mar 2004|04:36pm]
[ mood | deeply shaken. ]

so much has happened in the past few days. some of them scare me. some of them will never pass again.

yes, i've been to poland. stayed in a nice cheap makeshift residence hostel in kraków, ate in late 19th century underground restaurants that make your heart swell and pull your purse for the interior alone, purchased some wilde books and an eastern european biblical icon for my grandmother. but that's not it.

i've been to auschwitz. suddenly i feel like i've seen life, sucked out her passion and her charm, broken through some kind of safe shell which was once all mine.                                                               israeli people had collected at the entrance that said 'arbeit macht frei' and were waving their flags, there were pictures of emaciated children against the walls inside the crumbling buildings, stains of blood still visible on the wall used for random shootings. auschwitz I, the first camp, wasn't at all that bad, more like a village, be it a very grey and cold one with a merciless climate that freezes in winter and boils in summer. it was used only until 1941, a small barb wired vicinity in which poles were kept for inhumane works and in which the first executions using zyklon b and gas chambers were carried out. because of the experimental ignorance, the nazis used concentrations of the gas too low to instantly kill their prisoners, who sometimes suffered for a couple of days before they were finally asphyxiated. also horrible medical experiments, fasts and miscellaneous punishments were forced upon the trapped.

when auschwitz I had become too small to host all prisoners and the policy of 'final solution' had been declared, auschwitz II birkenau was built not three kilometers from the initial camp site. this is the auschwitz we actually see in movies, the one we read about in the annals of history, fully barb wire-and electric wire -enclosed, provided with towers for supervision and a ground surface of nothing but mud. jews were lured into trains with the lie of 're-location' in eastern europe for work and living. doctors carried their medical kits, convinced they were starting up elsewhere. however, the trains lacked light, water and sanitation, and people were so tightly stacked together they could only sleep standing upright in the excrements of their neighbours. train journeys could last up to several days without food, causing the captured exhaustion only at the arrival in the destruction centre. immediately on stepping out of the train, head officers separated the arrived into two groups; the first consisted of young children, the elderly, pregnant woman, the handicapped and the sick, who were immediately dragged to the gas chambers. the last group were those capable of campsite work; they were stripped of all their money, clothing and valuables and put into grey-blue striped rags and shoes too small to walk in. all their hair was violently cut, and this was then put into packages and sold abroad to make so-called hair cloth. when they were finally ready for work, they were unrecognisable.

prisoners had to work up to 12 hours a day, sorting out the valuables of the arrivals, expanding the camp, digging canals and divisions, or getting rid of the many corpses of their own people. they slept in wooden or stone barracks with no comfort to speak of, lying in the dark in a stable used for 52 horses which now had to host up to 400 jews, asocials, homosexuals, roma and slavic people. food only contained 1500 calories a day, and combined with the heavy work it caused healthy people to wither away and perish within a month. those who were unfit or hesitant to fulfill camp work were told to undress and 'take a shower'. the nazis went so far as to tell the prisoners to remember where they had put their pile of clothes for later collection and fake showers without water supply were sticking out of the wall to make believe it was really a showering order. as soon as the chamber was entered, all lights were turned off and tiny solid zyklon b grains were dropped from the ceiling. under the heat produced by the mass of hysteric, sweating bodies they slowly dissolved into poison gas which radiated through the chamber. it took approximately 15 to 20 minutes to kill 2,000 people in this way. 

there is more i could tell to illustrate the horrors of the extermination camps but the bottom line for me is that i am negatively shaken by what i've seen, recalling the vivid images and the mud under my own shoes. this is something we must never forget. i am speechless. last night, i couldn't sleep, for i kept on going over the recollections in my head. i am not a religious person, and up until now i was always one to fondly read history books objectively and curiously. from now on, i think i'll be much more personally involved with the capriciosities of the world, and changed, in some way.

everyone must see auschwitz. live to tell.~


ps. my literature teacher has luckily been fired after all the hard work we put into it. the day after tomorrow we'll meet the new prof ^__^.

1 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

he spends the afternoons between your thighs/ i apologise- [10 Mar 2004|09:35pm]
nan goldin

heart shaped bruise 1980.

smoky car new hampshire 1979.

trixi on the cot NY 1979.

more to follow; i think i'm in love.
3 tea and beauties #take this green carnation, please.

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